


Putting Down your Armour

by Lacklusterswirl



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Gender-neutral Reader, Hostage Situations, Killing and Injuring, Light Angst, Little bit of torture, M/M, Sex, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-08-21 21:29:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16584539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lacklusterswirl/pseuds/Lacklusterswirl
Summary: Rook has always seen himself as a straightforward, stable guy. Emphasis on stable. Nothing really shakes him because he's resolute in everything from his values to his actions. He'll stand right where he is, thank you very much. Then he meets someone who is always on the run. Someone who has very little tying them down to any place in particular. They're always moving from place to place, relationship to relationship, even mood to mood. Rook knows he's putting his heart at risk, but he can't stop himself from trying to tame this wild spirit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I put this down as a xReader thing, but then as I was writing, I found it annoying to keep writing (y/n), so I basically gave you all a nickname. I did use they/them to keep the options open when it comes to gender though. I hope this doesn't affect your reading too much.

“What’s up, mate? You look like Twitch just threatened to zap you in your balls,” Mute smirked at Rook as he took a seat across the Frenchman.

Julien gave head a quick shake. “I think I made a mistake.”

“Aw geez, Emma really did threaten to zap you this time, did she?”

“No, she has nothing to do with this,” he hissed at the man in front of him. Despite Mark’s quiet nature towards strangers and the like, the two of them had taken an instant liking to each other since the beginning because of the fact that they were the two youngest operators in Rainbow so far. The younger brothers of the bunch so to speak. Sometimes - not to their likening of course - Glaz and Twitch were roped into that group as well.

Mute finally seemed to realize that his friend was genuinely panicked. “What’s the matter then?”

His silence afterwards was how Rook knew he could finally talk without fear of being interrupted. “No thank you. I should have said no thank you, but I was weak and I let it happen.”

Mark’s brows were already climbing his forehead when Rook started off with an admittedly overly dramatic sentence.

.

It was Tachanka’s birthday, so of course, every operator that was still on base went out to the nearest public bar to get drunk and celebrate. Rook had already reached the point where he could feel the alcohol’s affect on him, and he knew that even a little bit more would probably push him into hangover territory.

The loud music, the dimmed lights and warm bodies all started to blur, signalling that it was time for a break. “I need some fresh air,” he excused himself from the group consisting of Twitch and Glaz. Mark had already separated to go and try his luck and flirt with Smoke who was currently playing pool with Kapkan and Frost.

The two trappers often competed in most areas seeing as their gadgets played similar roles on the field. That’s how they got a couple of their teammates team up with them with a decent crowd watching and edging them on. The birthday man himself was nowhere to be found, probably flirting with some poor stranger. Rook dismissed the thought and walked out a side door onto small porch. 

To his surprise, there was already someone out there, though his interest diminished greatly when said person pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. They took an inhale before turning to see who had joined them on the small landing. Wordlessly, they offered the already lit cig to him.

“No thank you, I don’t smoke,” he informed them before awkwardly taking a place along the railing, desperately trying to squish himself into the corner so he wasn’t leaning on the poor civilian. There really wasn’t a lot of room to move.

The stranger quickly put out the cigarette and coughed into their sleeve. “Sorry.”

“I don’t care if you choose to. To each their own.”

They scoffed, quickly running a hand through their hair, which he just noticed was a deep shade of blue. Glaz would’ve corrected him, spouting out some colour name that sounded more like the name of a candle scent then a colour. The thought made him smile. With the music muffled by the heavy door, he caught the quiet words spoken by the stranger.

“Don’t worry. I normally don’t either.”

“Then why did you?”

“Some guys can get pushy when you stand in the only smoking area and don’t smoke,” they replied, taking a long swig out of the bottle they held in their hands. Upon closer inspection, it held a dark coloured liquid though Rook could honestly admit he’d never seen it before, and it was hard to read the label in the dim lighting.

He must’ve stared at the bottle for too long because they raised a brow and offered it to him.

“Wanna try?”

“What is it?” They were looking each other in the eye now. While the stranger had an amused look plastered over all their features, Rook couldn’t help but narrow his eyes at them. Considering he recently came back from a month-long mission, he supposed it was just a precaution because normal Julien wouldn’t have thought twice before chugging the entire thing.

Still that easy smile never left their face. “Relax dude,” they took an exemplary sip. “I’m not trying to drug you or anything. I bet I couldn’t even carry you down these stairs.” 

Like they were trying to prove a point, they left the bottle on the railing and showed off their arms, which, while looked like they could pack a punch if needed, they were too small to move him without help. The other person wasn’t even as tall as him, and Rook was by no means considered tall by men’s standards. Curiosity struck him again and he picked up the bottle. At first, he only let a little bit drip onto his tongue. The drink itself shocked him, but nothing else was wrong with it. Hell, he couldn’t even tell if it was alcohol. It was just like chocolate milk.

His confused face must’ve been what the other was expecting because they started giggling at him. Rook was still too preoccupied with the mystery drink to pay them any attention. He took a bigger sip this time, admiring the taste as he placed it back where it stood before. While he waited for the stranger to compose themselves, he leaned on the railing to observe them. It was a classic black leather jacket outfit and had it been on any other person, he might’ve thought that they owned a motorcycle or something intense like that. With this person in particular, that seemed impossible.

“What is that?” he asked. Despite the neutral, guarded look he was trying to maintain, he couldn’t contain his smile as the stranger beamed at him.

“I honestly don’t know what it’s called, but it’s close to a drink I liked back where I grew up. This is the only bar that comes close to the taste I remember though.”

“Is it even alcohol?” His face just decided it was done trying to be tough, and he could just feel the stranger’s surprise how soft he must’ve seemed at the moment. Nothing like the hard exterior he tried to show off.

“Yeah, around five percent I think.”

“You’re joking.” Five percent wasn’t a lot, but for it to still taste like that?

“If you pour one out and shake it with ice, it’s almost like a milkshake,” they informed him. “There’s other flavours too but this bar only offers chocolate. Plus, I don’t think they’re all that popular in this country. I feel like most people are too serious with their drinks. No room for fun.”

“And you see yourself as fun?” He leaned into their arm now, too tired of trying to squeeze himself into such a small space. They didn’t seem affected at all.

“Of course,” they smiled. “I’m (y/n), but call me River. It was a nickname I’ve had for a long while, and no, I normally don’t hide outside by myself, but my ex walked in when I wasn’t expecting and I’m trying to compose myself before going back in.” They ended with a bright smile, one totally mismatched with what they just said.

“I’m Andreas,” he pulled the first name that cam into mind. Even if River seemed innocent, he couldn’t be too safe, right?

Rook shook the hand they extended and quickly jerked the stranger towards him so he could lower his voice and whisper into their ear. “If I find out that something - anything was put in that drink, I’m not going to be as kind as I have been so far.”

Sure, it might’ve been seen as uncalled for, but there was just something... off about this person. Mixed with the fact Monika told him he got caught on camera during the mission, he couldn’t spare any doubt.

“Chill.” River chuckled, pulling their head back slightly so their faces were in front of each other’s. “Believe me, you don’t have to tell me drugs are bad. I found out the hard way.” _Again_ with that easy smile. So mismatched with their words and the fact that a hardened operator just threatened them, though they didn’t know about the latter part. Rook couldn’t help but flick his gaze towards River’s lips, still baffled by the fact they could still be smiling. There had to be something suspicious about them.

“Um, most people don’t bother to be subtle after being so forward,” they picked up on his looks. It was Rook’s turn to be flustered now. That thought hadn’t even occurred to him while mindlessly gazing at the pink lips curled in a coy smile.

He immediately released River’s hand and leaned away. They reached a hand around his side to grab their drink, and took a sip while staring at him the entire time.

“I-I didn’t mean it like that,” he stammered.

“Aren’t you just adorable?” They even had the gall to pinch his cheeks. Without much warning, he let the hand on his face release his flesh and softly pull his face to their height, pressing their lips together for just a second. When River released him, Rook let his face stay in that position, with the awkward neck angle. But more importantly, what just happened?

“Enjoy the rest of your night,” they smirked, and walked into the building again.

“Wait-” But when Rook opened the door, the mysterious person had disappeared amongst the crowd.

.

“You didn’t actually get drugged, did you? I mean, serves you right if you did, but... never mind, continue your story. They sound hot.” Mute just seemed to have a way with words, didn’t he? Rook shook his head. He was always so... clumsy. Not smooth like... Nope. No. He wasn’t going to think about them again.

“Holy shit if I hadn’t known about this person, I’d say you have the flu, mate,” Mute laughed at Rook, who was definitely flushed red.

“Shut up,” was all Rook managed to mumble.

“So what, did you get their number at least? Kiss them back? Anything?”

“I’m getting there.”

“Hurry up.”

.

After coming back, Rook had actually found himself in a talk between Doc, Montagne, and Thatcher. The three were talking about all the dumb stuff they’ve seen the newest recruits do. While the stories were entertaining, he couldn’t help but feel attacked at points of the conversation. Especially when they complained about “young people” in general.

“I’ll take an apple cider,” a vaguely familiar voice spoke from behind him. “Yeah, thanks”

River was leaning next to Rook though they didn’t notice the other’s presence like he did. 

“Fancy seeing you here again,” he commented. He was aware of the silence that fell over the group he just not-so-subtly removed himself from.

“Yeah, considering how confused you looked when I left, I just assumed you called it a night,” they smiled at the bartender who slid them a rather tall glass.

Even the noise from the room itself couldn’t hide Thatcher’s snort of laughter.

“Do you want to dance?”

They raised a brow and smirked a little, “I mean, I was already planning on it after this drink.”

They were teasing him, and he couldn’t do anything about it but suffer the amused looks he was sure the three older men were giving him behind his back. River was clearly enjoying the show he was putting on as well.

“W-would you like to dance... with me,” he corrected himself.

River placed their hand on Rook’s shoulder and smiled. “Of course, I’m only teasing you. Just let me finish this.”

They took one breath before chugging the rest of the drink. “Gerard, cut me off there tonight,” they handed the bartender enough bills to pay their bill and dragged Rook onto the floor with him.

They were definitely a party type, and he was anything but. Straightforward, trusting, naive Rook was definitely not used to someone grinding into him while moving his body to a beat. It wasn’t even River who was pushing into him, it was some complete stranger. At the back of his mind, he could hear Gilles taunting him tomorrow. There was no reason to seek out a dance with a person he met literally half an hour ago other than the fact that they had been setting him on edge since the moment they met. He made it painfully obvious he wasn’t comfortable dancing, especially in front of so many strangers. River carefully guided him to the outside of the crowd and placed their hands on his waist to guide his movements. Eventually, he hoped that he looked even a fifth as graceful as his partner did.

.

“You danced? _You?_ ” Mute interrupted. “One kiss, one drink, and boom, you’re in love?”

“I’m _not in love_. That’s absurd!”

“Oh, I’m feeling funny after meeting a special person who just makes me _feel_ different. All I can think about is this person and I can’t stop? You’ve got some intense feelings there, mate.”

Rook rolled his eyes. “We haven’t even gone on a proper date yet, you maniac.”

“Whatever, you say,” Mute dismissed his claims and nodded. “Finish this story so you can explain to me why you’re so nervous.”

.

River was the first to admit they needed to quit the night. Despite their reckless behaviours and spontaneous attitude, they took good care of themselves. Rook was still going, talking this mysterious character and trying to learn all about them. There was no way he’d escape teasing from anyone who saw him that night, but that was a problem for another time.

“Let me walk you home,” he offered when they brought up the fact that it was getting too late for them.

“Thanks, but I’d rather not have a guy I literally just met learn my address so quickly,” they said.

He shrugged, “Just wanted to extend the conversation. Can’t blame me for trying, right?”

“Fair,” they smirked, “Why don’t you walk me part way? If you’re comfortable enough, we can walk and talk.”

“I’d love nothing more,” he smiled. He quickly left to inform some of his teammates that he’d be leaving early and wished Tachanka a happy birthday before leaving with his new friend.

The air was chilly - the perfect wake-up call to two tipsy people. River was talking about their PhD research at Cambridge and how they were so close to their thesis defense. While Rook understood approximately nothing, he listened just for the sake of watching such a wild, unpredictable rebel dissolve into a nerd at the mere mention of ‘research’.

“And that’s why I assumed that the- Wait. When did I lose you?”

Rook blushed and looked down at his boots that clicked on the pavement with every step. “After the first couple sentences.”

“Hm.” If that didn’t sound like disappointment, nothing did.

“I’m sorry, I’m-”

“Andreas.” They stopped under a streetlight and looked up at him. “This is high level thesis talk here, and I’m not very good at teaching others. I already knew that. I don’t mind. I’m actually quite pleased you stuck around for this long.”

“Did you expect me to just leave?” he gave them a reproachful look. He might’ve come off as intimidating earlier, but he wasn’t rude.

“Or change the topic, but you just endured,” River gave a small smile. “Either way this is where we should split.”

Startled, he looked around at the street to see that he had been led to a cozy looking series of buildings.

“R-right.” He hesitated, not knowing what to do next. The disadvantages of joining specialized forces at a younger age included not having experience with situations like this. It’s not like people were interested in dating someone who was never home for very long. “Um… I… I don’t know what to say here,” he muttered weakly, rubbing the back of his neck with his cold hands.

They chuckled together as River seemed to wait for him to try again. “Could I get your number?”

“Atta boy, you’re forming sentences now! Who knew someone like you turned into a shy drunk,” they teased Rook. He handed over his phone and watched as River quickly typed in their number.

There was another silence after River returned the phone where they seemed to be waiting for Rook to say something. All Julien could think of though, was the fact that he didn’t think was drunk, and that he really like how smooth River was and – _oh if only they would take control of the conversation now_. He begged silently.

“Would you like to… come in?” Rook’s eyes snapped to River’s. While before, they seemed to have an amused look to their eyes, it was faded and something more… dangerous replaced it. His heart fluttered when he met their gaze, but he knew that his job, his experience with these things, they all pointed to him rejecting the offer. But the _gaze…_ his willpower was weakening by the millisecond.

.

Mute made some sort of snorting noise. “Holy shit, you really are that weak, huh? Aren’t French people supposed to be superior lovers or something?”

“Shut up, it’s not like you could’ve done any better.”

“I bet I could have. At the very least I could answer them with words.”

Rook reached over and gave a soft slap to his friend’s cheek. “Stop interrupting.”

.

Their hand never left his body after he agreed. All the way up the elevator, their hand had found its way to his back where it absent-mindedly rubbed circles he could feel even through multiple layers. Even though it was barely sensual, he had to fight back a sigh of contentment, just in case he managed to embarrass himself again.

 While they led them to their door and dug through their pockets for the key, River spared him a glance and said, “You know, for someone your… build, you’re quite soft, you know?”

That got his attention. “I’m not soft.”

“Cause you’re not as suspicious of me anymore,” River smiled, pulling out the key and unlocking the door. “But even when you were, you couldn’t keep it up for long. Your mouth kept trying to smile.”

He wished he thought of a response faster because the moment the door closed, they were making out, with River’s hands all over Rook’s body, feeling up every muscle. In return, Rook held onto their waist and kept them close enough for him to feel the warmth radiating off their body.

Surprisingly, to both of them, Rook was the first to try to take off the other’s jacket. It was easy to slip his partner out of their jacket and toss it onto the floor. Shame, he thought it looked nice. As the jacket hit the ground, he felt himself pull on the sleeves of his own coat to get himself out of it, leaving him in a warm, knit sweater. While he paused for air, River’s lips moved onto his jaw and made their way down his neck to the base, where they paused to suck a little harder. This time, Rook couldn’t hold back a soft moan. He shifted River’s arms to the hem of his pants and didn’t even have to ask before he could feel cool hands roaming under his sweater as their lips touched again. More than once, he moaned right into River’s mouth, eliciting a smile and some praise, which only served to turn him on more. Their hands moved further down his pants before he pulled back, finally realizing what they were about to do.

“Something wrong?” All contact was gone while he tried to compose himself. “Andreas?”

“Sorry, I…” he shook his head, “I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”

There were no angry looks, not hurt on their face. Just understanding and a look that made him think that this was the expected outcome. “I’m sorry for bothering you, River.”

“Nothing to apologize for. I’d rather you tell me first before I force you into something you’re not comfortable with.”

“Would you… Would you still like to go out sometime? I’m never sure about my schedule and I know I don’t know much about yours but-”

“I’d love to go out with you. Give me a few options, and I’ll tell you what works best for me,” River clasped their hands around Rooks and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “Please don’t think that I’d hold something as dumb as this against you.”

Their hands were reassuring now as they moved to move his sweater back into place and picked his jacket off the floor.

“Have a good night, Andreas,” they said, closing the door behind him.

.

“You must be fucking kidding me right now. No one wants to date a prude like you. _That’s_ how you ended the night?”

“I’m not because we’re going on our first date tonight. And I still haven’t made any plans. I need your help.”

“Why haven’t you made any plans?”

“Because… I… I was busy! Paperwork… and… Stuff.”

Mute just gave him a look Rook was very familiar with now. It told him, Mark wasn’t impressed and even though he thinks Rook did something stupid, he’ll put up with his friend and help him out. Although nothing quite like this situation has happened before. “Hey, Emma. On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate Julien? Ten is a god, one is a turd.”

Mark only called for Emma, but as it normally was when it came to their odd group of young’uns, Glaz joined in as well. “I would give him a five,” the Russian said. “He has a strong, stable body, but his face… It’s like a child’s still.” To add emphasis, he pinched Rook’s cheeks. “There’s nothing here that makes him seem manly or striking, you know? Maybe your eyes. They are some of the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.”

To his credit, Glaz said all this with a straight face despite the absolute looks of hatred on the faces of Mark and Emma. With a tight smile, Mark wrapped his arms around the sniper and started herding him towards the exit. “I heard Fuze ask for you earlier, Van Gogh. Let’s go find him.”

“I overheard a bit of your conversation.” Ah. So, Twitch had heard the entire thing. At the very least, Rook was familiar with her mannerisms. “Juju, if you really like this person, then put your personality on show. We all know you can be charming, funny, and caring. If they don’t care about any of that and focus only on your looks, then they’re not the one for you anyways.”

“Are you saying I’m ugly and I should show off my personality instead?” That was definitely _not_ what Twitch was trying to say, but in his horror after hearing Glaz’s harsh critiques, that was what his mind chose to focus on.

She sighed, “I’ve seen you naked more times than I would like to even try to count. You’re a soldier who spends almost all his spare time working out. Your physique is flawless, and scars make for great stories.”

“Do I look like a child?” he felt up his own cheeks, squishing them in his hands. He never thought they were that chubby until both River _and_ Glaz pinched them.

“You look young, sure, but keep in mind that Glaz is used to faces like Kapkan or Fuze. They’re hardened and just older in general. If this person is still in school, you’re better off looking more like their age.”

“But I’m not bad to look at, right? Oh, I’m so nervous.”

“Let’s go find you an outfit for tonight,” she pulled on his arm and led him to the GIGN quarters.

After a bit of digging though his messy closet, Twitch managed to pull together an outfit she deemed suitable. She had chosen a more business casual look with a collared shirt under a dark sweater. At least he was still allowed to wear his favourite pair of jeans. The look made him look smarter, though it did nothing to calm his nerves.

“Alright, it took a bit of digging but I found this nice- oh hey you look like me from like… what, a decade ago?” Mute, who had been starting at his phone, looked up and made an appreciative noise at what he saw

“Did you find a restaurant?” Twitch interjected before Rook could actually melt into a puddle of nerves.

“Oh yea, I made reservations at a nice steakhouse under ‘Andreas’. Seamus recommended it, lots of options, even some for vegetarians if you really want to try that route. Not too pricey either. It’s also a five minute walk form a park and some nice, small shops. It’ll make for a nice walk around town after, you know? Show off your inner romantic.”

“My innards feel like mush, nothing romantic at all.”

Glaz walked in, and looked Rook up and down before nodding his approval. “Good colour coordination. You’re really drawing attention to his eyes, hm?”

“River’s… really… unpredictable, you know? Wild. Do you really think they’ll…”

“Do I think they’ll enjoy doing something at a slower pace? Well I don’t know, but you’d better hope they do or else you’re at serious risk at being hurt by ‘em.”

“Mark has a point,” Glaz agreed. “Most of us need something to calm us down, something stable to come back to, from unpredictable missions.”

“You guys don’t understand. They _can_ calm me down, incredibly easily too. I don’t know how. They just _know_ when to stop and wait for me to catch up.”

“How long will they be willing to wait for?” Mark pressed his friend. Although they were all glad that he was so excited for this date, they couldn’t deny the strong possibility these two people just weren’t meant for each other.

“Oh, stop it, I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time. Part of a relationship is finding out what you need from your partner, and every connection is different,” Twitch tweaked his shirt just a little more before giving him a reassuring hug. “You should let River know what your plans are and then shower or something before you leave.”

“Right,” he pulled out his phone and quickly forwarded the information.

“Good luck, mate,” Mark gave him a pat on his shoulder and walked out of the room, followed by the Twitch and Glaz who wished him luck before leaving as well.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW!! There is a sex scene, and while it's not explicit and it's quite short, I don't think you'd want to risk having someone look over your shoulder at the wrong time.

It was two months and many more dates later, yet here they were again. Sitting on the park bench near the location of their first real date. (y/n), or River, as he used more often now, was still staring at the stars, and Rook was still staring at their face.

“Why do you stare at the sky so much?”

River tore their gaze from the sky to look at their boyfriend. “Does it bother you?” they asked with a sly smirk. “Didn’t know you could get jealous of stars. There’s probably a word for it too.”

This was how it was sometimes. Rook always wanted to know more. At the beginning, he asked about their favourite colour, books, all the superficial things that a boyfriend should know about their partner. But even when it came to those questions like their favourite animal, River would always deflect first – try to distract Rook. Sometimes, Rook let himself be herded off in a different direction. No, he didn’t need to know where they learned to skip rocks, but he would always ask later if it was interesting enough. Whenever he asked the same question twice, River would give a curt answer, started to paint a picture, but never finishing. Only when he felt it was really important, did he ask a third.

“Well it’s hard not to be when you look at them so lovingly. Even I don’t get that treatment.”

Their eyes met his and of course his heart started to beat faster. He knew more about this person now, yet they always had some air of mystery. River held onto their memories like a child holds onto their toys: with unrealistic stubbornness and a fierce composure. The exact opposite of Rook, who shared stories and memories faster than their partner could ask.

They opened their mouth to answer, but paused, gazing at the stars again before forming any words. “I used to go star-gazing with my father all the time. He taught me which stars were which, and all about the constellations. It’s why I started reading mythology.”

There it was. The second answer that was always longer, but never diminished the feeling of ambiguousness left in Rook. He was fascinated by River and their past – a past so well hidden that Mute couldn’t even dig up any info on them. Beyond just the security clearance they had to run this new person through, he honestly didn’t know much about River’s past life.

“Do you miss those trips?” he asked, never once looking anywhere but River’s face. They tensed, brows furrowing as they turned to look at Rook, who in his everlasting innocence, looked back with wide, puppy eyes.

They sighed, “No. I like the stars now because they’re the only thing that has stayed exactly the same throughout my life. No one is born wild, you know? And…” Another sigh. “Is this really that important to you?”

“Well,” he reached out for their hand, which was always a little cooler than his, even though he knew that they would never admit that they were cold. “I would like to know more about you, more than the fact that you like the colour blue or that you prefer chocolate over candy. My friends once asked where you were born, and I couldn’t even answer that.” Without the security check, he added in his mind.

The look he got when he said that made him a little uncertain if he should continue this line of questioning. “If I’m overstepping your boundaries-”

“I was born in (your hometown),” they spoke softly, expression changing to match. “And to your first question, I feel as though I can always count on the stars when I’m tired of relying on myself.”

His chest felt like it could barely contain his heart. Oh boy was he so… happy was too weak of a word, but he couldn’t find another way to voice his joy. Instead, he leaned even closer to them and wrapped an arm around their shoulders.

“I’d like to hear more then if you want to talk,” his voice was muffled by River’s scarf. If that piece of clothing wasn’t there, he’d be pressing his lips against their skin instead.

“What a strange person you are,” they said, jerking him away from the moment of absolute joy from being with them.

Their face wasn’t angry. Not even upset. Just confused and even a little bit amused. “What do you mean by that?” He clenched his jaw right before he almost said the next words.

In his mind, he fantasized about calling River all sorts of pet names in French and having them do their best to just guess the meaning. But no. Unfortunately, they still thought his name was Andreas, an American accountant that worked from London and only came to Hereford to talk to some business partner or something. And Andreas wouldn’t know a single word of French, would he?

“I mean, when we first met, you were the shiest person I’ve ever met, and now you’re like the smoothest person I’ve ever met. No one should be able to come out of their shell like this. Unless you were pretending to be shy? I’m clearly not getting something, and I would like to know what that is before we go any further as a couple.”

Well, this was certainly the best opportunity he would get to correct literally everything they knew about him, wasn’t it? Mark had told him a week ago that they’d been cleared of any suspicion, but the way his friend said it made Rook second-guess himself every time he planned to tell the truth.

“Andreas?”

“You know all that I said about being an accountant?”

It was painfully obvious when River leaned away to create a crack of space. To his stupid heart, it felt more like a chasm between them. “Yes,” the word was drawn out, and slow, and they were staring at him from narrowed eyes. “What about it?”

“I’ve… First, what I’m telling you now could put you in danger with a bad crowd, are you sure you want to know?” It was worded as a question, but it felt like a plea, like he was already begging them to stay and listen, to accept him and the lies he had been telling.

“…Danger as in?”

“People will want to know what you know. If they find you, they might try to hurt you.”

“Do they know me? Are you a criminal?”

“No, no one knows about you but some of my friends and my boss, but the actual bad guys? They don’t, and they probably never will, but that’s a risk you can decide if you want to take or not.”

There was mental battle going on in their mind. Even Rook could tell. “Tell me.”

“You’re sure?” he clarified, reaching for their hand and feeling hurt when they withdrew it.

“Yes. Are you a criminal? I’ll preface this by saying that if you are a criminal or like a gangster or something, I _will_ leave.”

Rook scoffed. “I’m literally the opposite. I’m military, but more… secretive. My unit is kept secret from the world. I can’t even tell you what we do, but I hope you know that we _are_ the good guys.”

River completely withdrew, all the way to the other side of the bench. “And I’m supposed to just believe you? Like… I mean you said the same thing about being an accountant. Next you’ll be telling me that your name isn’t Andreas.”

Silence.

“You’re fucking kidding me, aren’t you?” River’s mouth was set in a line, not showing too much of what they were feeling.

“Julien. Call me Julien.”

“Of fucking course.”

“River, I can’t just _tell_ you these things. We needed to do background checks-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?”

This was going so downhill so quickly, Rook hadn’t even caught up with what had happened even though he was a _part of it._

“I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier, but it was against protocol. Because of the… the nature of our work, we can’t just give out our names to just anyone or where we work. If the terrorists we fight-” He slapped a hand over his mouth. That wasn’t something he was allowed to say and holy shit.

“You shouldn’t have said that, hm?” River noticed how pale he got. They drew in a long breath before letting it out. “No, you’re more right than I am.”

They sighed and slouched against the park bench.

“I would’ve liked to let you know earlier, but-”

“Can I ask a question?” River interrupted him. “When I first met you… You must’ve just gotten back, right? I’m thinking back now and it makes more sense. You were so hostile when you met me, and you thought I was out to get you. Makes sense that you just came back from a mission, and thought I was trying to hurt you. Then how normal you seem now, it’s like a complete turnaround from when I met you… and…” they sighed.

“Yeah,” it was his turn to be curt. Even though the mission had gone mostly well, there was always just a feeling of being on edge – of having to pretend to be stronger than you were, lest you meet an enemy while unprepared.

“You don’t like talking about it?” River reached out for him this time. Their hand rested on his shoulder and seemed to squeeze just the perfect amount for Rook to melt into their touch.

“No, you do deserve to know what I can tell you.” And he does. He talked about how he was born in France, joined the federal police forces where he stayed for a bit before being picked up by GIGN for his marksmanship. And after his time there, he met with his current teammates as they were picked for this more secretive organization. All through his life story, River was fixated on him, drinking up every detail. When he finished, they were still looking at him like that. Their hand had long since fallen of Rook’s shoulder and that’s all he could think about since ending his story.

“Aren’t you, like, really young though? For military standards at least. That’s a lot of time spent in… not… safe…” they really didn’t know if there was a term or something they should use. “On missions?”

He cracked a smile. “I suppose, but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying life like this.” He tried his luck and leaned in a little, at least closing half of the gap left there. “I normally don’t act like that after a mission, but… that one was… hm.” He clenched his jaw, trying to figure out how to voice his experiences. “I don’t know how to… I want you to know how I feel about things, but I don’t think I could describe them even if I tried.”

They leaned in and placed their lips on his face, right where his nose touches his forehead. He couldn’t resist and pulled them closer to him again with ease. While River was a smaller than average person, he was not. They giggled, pulling back to look at him again. “Why don’t you ask me stuff now. Like a trade.”

This was what he was looking forward to. “What happened to your parents?”

“Starting off heavy, I see,” they muttered, relaxing their head on his shoulder and turning again to stare at the stars that they loved so much. “You saw that in my background check?”

He shrugged. “Only that they split.”

“My mom walked out on us. Turns out she found another man, and decided that she would rather adventure with him than sit at home with us. Obviously, I was a child back then, but I don’t remember any fights. Just the one right before she left me with my dad. She moved to Bristol, and my dad stayed in our home.”

“You don’t seem happy with that.”

“Of course not. I hated that my mom would just leave me for this man. I still haven’t talked to her other than when I got accepted to Cambridge. She sends me money on my birthday, but that’s about it for her.”

“And your father?”

River scoffed, trying to pull away, but ultimately stopped by the muscular arm holding onto them. “He was a good father. He just got distracted, I think. Not long after they split, he found another woman as well. She was nice, but she just needed so much attention that he had none left for me. We all said hello and that shit, but to put it this way: my father didn’t even know what programs I applied to. Just gave me the money and congratulated me when he saw my acceptance letter.”

“You said no one was born wild.”

“…Yeah?” They stared back at Rook. “Its true. Everyone is born into a home. Some are just forced out a lot quicker than others, sometimes instantaneously with their birth. It felt like both my parents left me for someone else. As an eight-year-old, I told myself that from then on, I’d have my own back. No need to rely on anyone. Just me and the stars that you can barely see because of this goddamn English weather.”

“What about friends? You were with some of them before. Plus, I’ve met some too.”

“Eh,” they shrugged. “They come and go as they please. I’ve only had two friends stick with me all my life.”

“How are they? Have I met them?” Rook was so invested. He was learning about what made them the person they were today, and it was addicting, yet their story made perfect sense for their personality. Independent and restless, not letting themselves get tied down for too long.

“No. One died the summer before university, and the other is working through their own problems. I keep in contact with the one who’s still alive, offer support where I can, but it’s hard to meet up when I basically spend all my time between Hereford where I work and live, and Cambridge where I study. They still live in my hometown.”

Rook nodded and fell silent.

“Your friend, the Russian guy, was right, I’m kind of a broken character. Sad history, reckless nature, refusing to settle: ‘Watch as a broken student desperately clings onto their past accomplishments while supergluing themselves to the first stable person they see.’” They made some big motion with their hands as if they were looking at a billboard advertising the latest show.

Rook sat up straighter. “What do your past boyfriends think?”

“Oh, they must hate me,” River laughed. No hesitation there, Rook noted. “But truth be told, I fell for each and every one. I loved them so much, and in the end it just wasn’t enough. They were always so scared I’d leave because they didn’t trust that I could stay with them. ‘What would wild, uncontrollable River want with boring ol’ me?’ And I hated it,” they hissed. “When I loved them, I meant it – I wasn’t gonna just leave without reason.”

They tilted their head back to study him. “Am I scaring you off yet? I don’t blame you if you want to end everything now instead of getting hurt later.”

Rook considered. Well, not considering their question, really. He was going to stay, be the foundation they could come back to before going off on another adventure that felt like what they needed. “Well, I don’t expect you to reciprocate, but… (y/n), I think I love you. And trust me, I’m just as scared to want you as they probably were, but I’m brave enough to try.”

There was a long silence where Rook freed them of his grasp and waited as River leaned away again. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you’re a solid guy, dependable, and I think you’re waiting for me to settle down with you. And I’m worried because you might be waiting for something that may never happen.”

“But you said you loved each of your past boyfriends. They just pulled away too soon. I’m sure we’ll find a way.”

 _That’s what everyone said,_ were the words that never left River’s mouth. Instead, they pressed their lips to Rook’s and felt their boyfriend hold them closer.

“Julien…”

He made a happy humming noise, “You don’t know how much I hated the name, Andreas. It’s not even a bad name, I just wanted to hear you say mine.”

“That was your fault, and I refuse to take the blame.”

“Then say it again.”

“Julien…” River felt embarrassed, but tried to hide their blushing cheeks that Rook never failed to catch. It was so rare for him to have the upper hand in teasing, so this was a sight to enjoy.

“Nizan. That’s my last name.” From the smile he was giving off, Rook was sure that River knew he was just toying with them.

“Julien _Nizan_ ,” with a look Rook identified as trouble, River climbed into his lap, now kneeling on the bench over him, and leaned down so they could whisper into his ear. “I want you, Julien, to take me right here, right now.”

They pulled back to enjoy the absolute panic in their boyfriend’s eyes. Rook couldn’t form words to respond until he noticed their eyes weren’t dark and lustful like he’d seen before. River was _laughing_ at him.

“You… I… Take me to your place and I’ll gladly do it,” he growled, annoyed at how easily River could get him flustered.

“There’s the old Julien I remember.” They didn’t budge at all, just reached over to pinch his cheeks.

“You…” he trailed off, trying to find a way back into this battle. He found an answer when he stood with River attached to him like a koala to a tree. “Ça va. Allons-y.”

When they were back in River’s apartment, the address of which Rook never forgot or needed reminding, he let them down and watched as they took off their coat to hang up in the closet, motioning for him to hand his over as well. There was no agreement beforehand as to what they would do, so it resulted in Rook trying to read their partner to see if he should initiate, or wait for River to let him know what to do.

He answered his own questions when he trapped his partner in the corner between two counters in the kitchen area. His arms were on either countertop, and River was just standing there with no way out.

“What’s up?” they asked, tilting their head to the side.

Rook took the chance to lean down and start the kiss. While he was leaning on his arms, River’s were free to snake their way around his waist first, then chest, then shoulders. They came to rest around his neck with their hands tangled in his hair.

“You’re so adorable,” River murmured the moment they paused to catch their breath.

“Adorable? Me? I’m a soldier,” Rook’s pride was not in the mood for these childish names.

“So then you’re an adorable soldier. Nothing changed.”

With a playful growl, Rook bent down to hold onto their legs before hiking them up to rest against his waist. River made a whimpering sound as they held onto the counter for support. Rook leaned a little, settling between their legs and resting his arms on either side of their small partner. “I dare you to say that again,” he stared into their eyes in the best angry look he could muster towards this person.

“You’re just an oversized puppy,” they teased him, all signs of surprised gone from their face.

Rook hooked his arms under theirs and brought them to the bedroom before dropping them onto the mattress and pinning them just with his bodyweight.

“Get off, you…” Rook almost pulled away in fear of hurting the smaller person, but the tongue that was sticking out at him was just a reminder of what type of game they were playing.

“Mine,” he whispered before meeting their tongue with his, starting another searing kiss that left both parties breathless when it was finally broken up.

“Mm… Julien,” River was already reaching for his face again. This time, instead of their lips, Rook aimed for their neck, making them gasp as he made a trail of wet, sloppy kisses down to their collarbone which was nicely exposed when he tugged down on their shirt.

“Do you want to…” he trailed off, not quite knowing how to ask.

“Only if you’re actually down for it this time,” the other smirked, recalling the first time Rook had come into their home.

He blushed, the memory resurfacing far too vividly for him. Still, he nodded and buried his face into their neck. “I do want this.”

Much like almost everything they did together, it was very much along the lines of River, with much more prior experience, slowing down and adjusting to Rook, which he was always grateful for. They never pressured him, and giving him time to try and figure things out before stepping in to guide him were some of the things he really liked about them. Despite the rough image they always painted for themselves, they were always so gentle.

Rook himself wasn’t new, but to say he was experienced was a huge stretch. So, he did what he did best and tried to help his partner. Asking if they were comfortable, if he had prepared them enough, if they wanted to change position. It was all done with his lips against their skin and hands linked together, pinning his love to the bed while taking slow and steady thrusts that made both of them shake and pant. While he was satisfied with his own pace, he smirked at his partner who was balling up the sheets in their hands with their jaw clenched tightly. This wasn’t something they were used to apparently.

Finally, River had enough and put their hands on his chest and flipped the two of them. With a quiet chuckle, Rook let them take over, dictating pace, intensity and where they were kissing him because – oh god – there was just this one spot…

When it was over – and over too soon, might he add – Rook felt his partner collapse on his chest, and just _felt_ the smirk they must’ve had.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think-”

“No, no,” they leaned back up to kiss him. “That’s not a fault, don’t apologize. It comes with practice, hm?”

“Do you want… Want me to…” He blushed as they raised their brows.

“You don’t have to, I can,” they smiled against his cheek, burrowing their face into his warm skin. “Let’s clean up though, yea? Unless you’re too worn out from that.”

“No,” he quickly sat up, bringing River with him. “I’ll come with you.”

To his surprise, he wasn’t allowed to go into the bathroom while they showered, a weird rule in his mind, but ultimately, he respected their need for personal space. Turns out he was just really in the mood for cuddling, and he was almost completely sure that he was the only one with that sentiment. For how caring River was during sex, they were very distant in the minutes right after, which was why Rook was hugging a pillow by himself on the bed. They refused his hugs and chose to stand by the window and just stare at the outside world.

Rook couldn’t take the loneliness for much longer. “(y/n), mon amour, would you come to bed with me?”

Even in the dark room, he could just see their outline tense. Another trick he learned about them was the fact that if you called River by their real name, they’d snap their attention right to him. He had the feeling that this was not a power to abuse. In fact, it probably only worked because he was so used to using their nickname. “Right. Yea. Give me just one more moment, Julien.”

And sure enough, just a few seconds later, he heard the curtains being drawn and the footsteps that led to the bed.

“Are you allowed to stay the night?” they asked.

“Of course,” he reached for them, but found that they sat at the edge of the bed, out of reach. “Unless you don’t want me to… do you?” He found himself chewing on his bottom lip as he waited for an answer.

“No, no. This is fine,” they sighed, lying on the edge of the bed, as far from him as possible.

“Something wrong?” he propped himself on his elbow and leaned over his partner to turn on the table lamp.

“No, I’m fine. Why?”

“I’ll leave if you want me to,” he sat up fully, staring down at River hoping for some sort of sign.

They shook their head and reached out to touch his chest, right on his ribs, where a tingle shot through his body. “No, I want you to stay with me. I’m just worried about the rules you have to follow and stuff.”

He chuckled, testing the waters by wrapping an arm around the smaller person. When they didn’t squirm away, he dragged them closer and held them tightly against his chest. “You don’t have to worry about that, amour. Leave it to me.” Even though Rook was exhausted and knew he’d have to leave early, he forced himself to stay awake until he saw their breaths deepen and slow down.

“I love you, (y/n).”

.

Julien woke up to an empty bed. When and how they got out from his hold was beyond him, but he got up nonetheless. He had received the mission debrief yesterday, and while he wasn’t happy that River was nowhere to be found, he had to admit that this was easier. For a student, this apartment was absolutely luxurious. Apparently, this was the gift their father got them when he first heard that his child wanted to move closer to where they worked. Their mother was the one who financed their home in Cambridge, and so all River had to worry about was the transport between the two homes.

Everything else that morning was very… bland. The apple he took from the fridge didn’t satisfy him, the shower he took didn’t help him relax, he was just… off. And he didn’t know why. That’s how River found him, five minutes later, half dressed and leaning on the balcony to watch the sun rise over the buildings.

“I thought you left,” he heard the door open and their footsteps far before they reached the balcony door. It still surprised them.

“I got breakfast,” they held up a brown bag that already had oil spots peeking through. “I figured if you were getting deployed-”

“How did you know?”

He was still in just an undershirt when River wrapped their arms around him, warming him up slightly. “You got a call that woke me up. A very British sounding man told me that you’d be leaving today.”

Ah. Mark, that bastard. Never could keep his nose out of Julien’s life, but still, he loved the SAS man like he did his family.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to ruin anything, and-”

“Apologize any more and I’d think you were Canadian, man,” they took out a weird wrap-looking item and handed it to him. “My favourite place to get a heavy breakfast is this tiny Chinese shop that sells breakfast super early. Always fills me up.”

Rook looked at the size of the wrap and felt his stomach growl, even though he had eaten the fruit just minutes before. It smelled heavenly, even if it seemed kind of small.

“Don’t worry I got you extras. I accounted for our size difference and there should be enough for some of your teammates too if you want to take it to 'em. How long will you be gone?”

“Who knows. Should be just two weeks, but that can always change.”

“Can you call during that time?”

Rook’s face morphed through many different emotions before settling down into one of disappointment. “It’s always best if you don’t contact me. I can try to call you, but it’s never guaranteed.”

They nodded beside them, silently chewing on their food. The sun always looked so nice as it rose, but there was always a point when he’d have to stop before blinding himself. That time was now.

The rest of their morning routines were completed in silence, and Rook was surprised to see River pack up as well. “It’s meet-up day so I need to be at the university,” they explained. “I normally don’t actually have to be there, but today’s the exception.”

As they stood in front door of the apartment, River leaned up on their tip toes to give him a hug. Of course he helped hold them there. It was a habit now.

“I love you, Julien. Come back unharmed please.”

The timer ran out for a comfortable hug, and now he could feel River try to pull away, though he wasn’t going to let them stand on their own feet again so soon after they just spoke the words he was waiting for.

“Did you just…”

“Get abducted by a man who can’t even form proper sentences when he’s in front of a much smaller person? Yes.”

“You don’t have to say it back so soon, (y/n). I don’t want to pressure or guilt trip you…”

“I didn’t say I love you because I’m sad or guilty. I said it because I finally feel like I want to make you a permanent part of my world.”

“Like the stars?”

“Yes. But better because you’re actually here, not billions of lightyears away. And _alive_ ,” they added, finally being let out of his embrace. “Because any of those stars could’ve exploded years ago and I wouldn’t know. Come back, yea?”


	3. Chapter 3

The first time was on some random night when Rook brought (y/n) out to meet his closest friends in Rainbow. He introduced them to Mark, Emmanuelle, and Timur, and immediately regretted using their real names because River joked about ‘Andreas’.

“Nice to meet you all. I hope I’m using your actual names, and not a fake one that I’ll find out about nearly three months into knowing you guys.”

“Three months?” Mute turned to glare at Rook. “We finished all the business shit after one.”

He ignored the looks from the others and chose instead to sip on his drink. After an hour of talking or so, Twitch and Glaz had to leave in order to rest up properly before getting deployed the next day. To the shock of Rainbow, two missions had been initiated at the same time, and while everyone knew where Twitch’s team was heading, the second mission was a mystery, even to the ops that were selected. River quickly said their goodbyes and wished them luck before stepping away for a bit so that the four of them could properly talk amongst themselves about the mission. It was a long one. They were supposed to be gone for three whole months. The longest one he had ever been one lasted just two, and that was because evac had to be postponed due to weather issues. Mark had just gotten back the previous night along with Rook.

After half of their friend group left, Mute nodded his head towards the bar. River was leaning against the counter, nodding along to a stranger. Rook observed the two, but nothing about the scene bothered him in particular. It was probably someone they recognized. He kept an eye on them though, and noticed the man they were talking to start to move closer ever so often, slowly closing the gap between them. River must’ve noticed. They always did.

“You worried, mate?” Mark was also watching the two now.

“No.” _Yes_.

“They would never…” his friend didn’t dare finish the sentence after Rook glared at him.

“Of course not.” _They promised._ River laughed at something, briefly touched the stranger’s shoulder and thanked the bartender before picking up two bottles and walking to the table where Rook and Mute had to pretend to be conversing the entire time.

They passed Rook a bottle, ginning as they watched a look of recognition flicker over his face. “You trying to get me drunk?” he joked.

“If I did, I would’ve asked for water,” they teased him.

“Oof. Got you there,” Mark chuckled.

“Did you know him?” Rook nodded his head at the stranger.

“Nah, he started chatting me up when I was waiting for my drinks.” They smiled, seemingly oblivious to how Rook and Mute sized up the man at the bar. However, the hand that held onto his told him that somehow, they knew, and this was just the reassurance that they were still with him.

Once is chance.

The next time he noticed it was when he brought River to the welcome back party for the unknown mission. With the operators that left, all of whom seemed relieved to come back to Hereford, two new operators came to set up a CBRN unit. Rook recognized one of them. Lion, or Olivier, was selected to undergo the same testing he had went through while Rainbow was selecting GIGN operators. While Rook had been chosen along with Twitch, Montagne, and Doc, Lion rejoined his previous unit for some time.

Yet here he was, back with all his arrogant mannerisms. For God’s sake, he started a fight with Thatcher in the gym that nearly led to a full-blown fight between the GIGN and SAS, and trust him, Rook didn’t want to face off against friends. The redhead didn’t even show any remorse or regret afterwards. River, being the only true outsider at the event, had no qualms about talking to the man sitting alone after Montagne left to argue with Thatcher, and Finka got distracted by Tachanka.

Once again, he was grouped with Mute, Twitch, and Glaz. All four of them took turns looking at the unlikely pair talking over beers in a corner of the room. While Twitch didn’t mind Lion’s presence, even being the driving force for peace during the argument earlier that day, she was still wary of how he was acting towards Rook’s partner. Mute didn’t hold back at all as he ripped into the bastard and how he was doing it to start something else.

While the drunk Brit was ranting about respect, Glaz quietly leaned over and murmured, “Julien, perhaps you should go and talk to them? River doesn’t even seem to know Lion’s trying to flirt.”

Rook nodded, but at the back of his head, couldn’t shake the feeling that River _always_ knew how others were acting. Part of social survival instinct, they called it, and they really did have it down to a science, even reading Mute and Glaz without much problem. “I trust them to handle themselves.”

Glaz shrugged and returned to conversation to help Twitch calm Mark down. Rook gave the two sitting alone one last look, catching River’s eye this time. Right after, they led Olivier to Julien with almost a proud look on their face. Twitch got Mark to shut up just in time under the guise that he didn’t want to scare off his friend’s partner. And thankfully too, because otherwise, the loud Brit would’ve kept talking.

“I made a new friend, Julien! Do you know him?” Lion raised a brow when they attached themselves to Rook’s side, wrapping an arm around his waist and smiling up at him.

“Qu’est-ce que tu veux?” Rook demanded, faking a polite smile while holding his lover as well.

“Rien. Nous avons seulement parlé un peu.” The taller man smirked and winked at him, prompting River to give their boyfriend a questioning look.

Oh, that made Rook want to swing at him, but no. He’d keep his cool, much to Lion’s amusement. And so, for the rest of that night, the four operators had to accommodate the awkward fifth. It didn’t stop Rook from seeing how River and Olivier smirked at each other as they took turns teasing him. Surely it wasn’t an accident

Twice is coincidence.

(y/n) always had people walking in and out of their apartment. Rook was basically living there now, nearly a year after meeting, even though it wasn’t official or anything. Still, River always let him know when someone was coming by just in case Rook wanted to come over. He even had his own key, so it was best if he knew about guests ahead of time.

“Who’s that?” an unfamiliar voice asked. Rook checked his phone. No, he hadn’t received any messages that day. A tall man walked around the corner and stood frozen, face to face with Rook, who was equally shocked.

“What’s up?” That was River, and Julien could hear their footsteps around the corner from the bathroom to the front area. When they saw Rook standing there with his duffel bag, they ran forward and jumped into him. “When did you get back? You told me a week? Oh well, come in with us, we were working on our presentation. I can start dinner earlier if you want.”

Was he going crazy? Or did they sound guilty? He awkwardly patted their back while staring at the stranger again. They had a neutral expression on, though it could’ve been a way to hid his emotions and Rook wouldn’t know. He wasn’t Pulse or Cav.

“Who’s we? I’ve never met him before,” he tried to pull River off of him. For once they were far more attached than he was. “You didn’t even let me know?” he added in a quieter voice.

“If you want, we can meet up at the library tomorrow to wrap this up,” the stranger said, drawing their attentions.

“Sure,” River wasn’t pleased, which Rook could see from the straight line their lips formed. “But Julien, this is Connor. We work under the same professor, and she asked for us to team up and do a presentation on how to transform a theory into practice for a class she teaches.”

“Ah,” he held his hand out for Connor to shake, and refused to wince at how tightly the other man gripped his hand. He wouldn’t do something as petty as that though, so he remained polite.

“And Connor, this is my boyfriend, Julien.”

“Pleasure,” he smiled, letting go and taking a step back. “I’ll fetch my things. Text me tomorrow, River, and tell me when to meet. I should be free the whole day.” He left soon after that, letting Rook relax just a little.

Third time is a pattern.

Rook stared after Connor, even after the door closed. He sighed and refused to be led anywhere, even after River linked their hand with his. “I thought you would tell me whenever you had people over?”

“I try to, but sometimes it just slips my mind. I wasn’t planning on having anyone over today, and he just reached out with an idea out of the blue.”

“And how many other’s have come here that you’ve just happened to ‘forget’ then, hm?” He took his hand out of their grip and stuffed it into his pocket. They tilted their head to look at him, confused.

“Just a few? I don’t keep track.”

“Of course you don’t,” he muttered under his breath.

“Julien, are you feeling alright? Did something happen?” Rook took the conscious effort to relax himself.

“What exactly do you do when I’m not here, hm? Can I see your phone?”

There. River understood now. “I told you I’d never cheat on you. That’s why you’re so angry right?”

“Are you trying to push me away then? Make me end it instead??”

Their arms had crossed in front of their chest while the two of them had a stand-off. Rook was the first to break. This was just like every other time they argued. (y/n) just never seemed to be in the wrong, and now that he looked back, maybe he should’ve fought harder. Wow. Who knew he’d have to say that outside of Hereford?

“Julien, trust me, I have never cheated on you, and I don’t plan to.” They reached out once more and he took a step back.

“Then all the flirting? Did you think I’d just forget all of those times you flirted with other men in front of me?”

“What?” they stepped back, “When?”

“With strangers, with Olivier, you’ve even made passes at my friends, and now, what, your peers?” He stared at his lover, noticing how he was raising his voice at them, something he had always refrained from in the past. He was even breathing a little harder, how pathetic. No wonder they looked for someone else, testing him to see if he would stand up for them. “I wish I meant something more to you.” It was strangled, quiet, and desperate, but he wasn’t going to plead with them.

They tensed, jaw clenching and brows furrowing. “If I wanted to, I could love anyone I want and I chose you, Julien. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? I’m staying with you, and I’m sorry if I’m talking too much, but I would never intentionally flirt with someone when I’m with _you._ I can try harder, Julien.”

It wasn’t enough. Too little to late, he thought to himself. He couldn’t admit it to himself, but whenever he was away from them, he was always consumed by the thought of River running around with others. And really, they probably were. That’s just their life. Running from person to person just to have fun before moving on.

“(y/n),” he spoke softly, making sure to use their real name. They flinched. “My absence wouldn’t even change anything would it? You’d go back to your life on the run from people who care about you – people who even come _close_ to threatening your ‘independence’. When will you stop running?”

“I did stop. I thought you knew,” their lip trembled slightly. “I’m staying with you. I made that decision, and I thought you knew – we _talked_ about it. You’re… You’re not yourself right now, Julien, and it’s making me nervous.”

“I’m not myself? I’m sorry that I want to take care of myself now, and falling in love with you was the fastest way to ruin myself. When you finally grow up, you’ll see what I mean.” He turned to leave again.

“That’s all you have to say? Well then _fuck_ you for giving up!” the tremble disappeared and they were angry. This was a side Rook had never seen before. Never. Not even during their worst fight did they burst out in anger like that. “Fun fact, my father once told me that people who leave quickly never intended to stay. And I’m actually inclined to believe him now.” The tone was soft, but the intention was anything but. Rook was frozen, one hand on the handle, and the other by his side with the bag slung from that shoulder.

“I _cared_ about you. It was just never enough.”

“Then get out. I don’t want to you see you around anymore,” they returned to a neutral expression. Still, Julien could see (y/n)’s jaw pulse as it clenched and unclenched.

This was it wasn’t it? An unreasonable part of Julien wanted to hurt them more, in a way that would ruin them. “You know what? I hope that one day, you think of me and wonder if I still wear my favourite jeans, if I still need to hold something when I sleep, if I still wake up early in the mornings to watch the sunrise, and I hope you remember _every single part of me_.”

That was the worst insult he could’ve said to someone who’s life revolved around moving forward and rejecting thoughts of the past. _I hope you remember me._

“Leave.”

.

Mute and Glaz were sympathetic. Far more than Twitch, who tried to convince him to talk to (y/n) again. She kept saying how it probably just one big understanding, that he had just come back from a high-risk situation so he was probably just stressed, and got easily irritated.

Twitch wasn’t invited to his pity-party.

“She hasn’t called once? Not even a text or a passive-aggressive text on their social media?”

“Hasn’t even deleted our pictures.” Rook confirmed Mute’s questions.

“Damn, well you know what they say, if they’re ok with losing you, they never cared for you in the first place.”

“Low blow,” Glaz hissed a warning to Mark.

“Not unwarranted,” Rook muttered. “Maman used to say that moving on wasn’t about forgetting someone though. It was about realizing that they’re not worth the pain.”

“Well don’t look now, but you’ve got company,” Glaz muttered quietly with a nod towards the front door.

 Sure enough, (y/n) was there with a small crowd. One of which included Connor, who unsurprisingly glared at Rook through the crowd. The group and (y/n) made their way to the bar, and Julien couldn’t help but wish they looked more… broken. Like he did. (y/n) was instead dressed up like normal when they chose to go out, and there was no indication that they had even cried. If anything, their posture was better now than Rook had ever seen. He must’ve been right then. They were ready to move on, and there he was, anchored to one spot. Alas, he couldn’t think too much on it as Connor had approached their table.

“You’re an asshole and a half, aren’t ya?” He was glaring at Rook, making sure to show off how much taller he was than the Frenchman.

“Hey, back off, mate,” Mute stood to match his height. And despite the fact that he was barely taller than Rook, Glaz stood as well, cracking his knuckles too.

“Mind your own business then,” Connor retorted. While the two Brits bickered with Glaz providing supervision so that they wouldn’t start a fight, Rook looked around for (y/n) again, glad that they weren’t anywhere close to see this mess.

“Alright, alright, stop arguing you two,” he used his strength and training to separate the two.

“And you! You don’t have the right to any pity. Was this about me? Because trust me, I’m not leaving my girlfriend to hit on someone who’s so clearly in love with their boyfriend.” Rook didn’t move a muscle. Just stared at the table wishing he would shut up. “You’re an idiot for thinking that they’d just throw away the only relationship they’ve wanted to last.”

“Leave me alone and go comfort them then,” Julien growled. “If you don’t…” he trailed off, clenching his fists to show off how muscular his arms were.

“You’re fucking pathetic,” Connor spat and walked away. Glaz launched himself at Mute to stop him from chasing down the retreating figure.

“Take a seat, Mark,” Julien managed to say, getting both friends to look at him with shocked looks. “I have some business to take care of.” With that, he got up out of his seat and walked away from the table.

As predicted, (y/n) was outside on that ridiculously small balcony, drink in hand and talking to someone else. Classic. They smiled, laughed, and talked like they hadn’t just been near tears over him just that afternoon. He was jealous. Rook wanted to be able to move on, but he was always stuck in one spot. Roaming felt foreign. However, at that moment, he wanted to go outside and intrude, shove his copy of the flat key into their face and proudly announce he didn’t need it anymore. That was too petty, even for him at this moment. So he wrapped his fist around the cool metal in his pocket and walked away again.


	4. Chapter 4

“I feel like death incarnate,” Rook complained, collapsing into his chair, not missing how Mute rolled his eyes at him despite the fact that the British man was currently hovering over his signal disruptors.

Mark was often preoccupied with trying to improve his signal disruptors, but since his break-up, Rook had been on base and lounged around him so often these days. So much so that his chair seemed to be permanently stuck to his friend’s work desk. Of course, this was to the annoyance of every other operator in the workshop since Julien liked to talk, and everyone else wanted silence. “Maybe if you got up and off your ass at some point to do some extra training, ya wouldn’t look like a ball of rubber out there, huh? How much weight did Doc say you gained?”

Jäger actually snorted at that remark, but quickly stifled it and returned to work once Rook glared at the older man. However, much to his embarrassment, even Fuze was chuckling at the memory of his pathetic sprint. Montagne literally chided him for looking like “an oversized tire rolling down a hill.” He didn’t think it was that bad, and Doc did comfort him afterwards saying it was just unusual since he was normally faster.

Rook pouted, “Stoooop, I was running to get there since I was almost late to training in the first place. Plus, I didn’t have a good sleep.”

“Yeah? And when was the last time you slept well?” Mark had all but thrown his equipment back into their places just so he could turn and face Julien. “Look, Julien,” he continued at a softer tone, one barely above a whisper. “Maybe you should go see Doc. You’re still not… feeling well, ya know? And it’s actually affecting your work now.”

“I am fine,” Rook got up and out of chair, promptly knocking a couple of tools off of the table and nearly falling while he made a grab for the them. Glaring at his friend who was biting his lip in an attempt to stop smiling, all Julien could do was sigh in defeat. “You’re the worst.”

Just then, both his and Mute’s phone pinged, drawing their attention to their orders. “C’mon then, let’s get out of here and we’ll talk on our way to debrief.”

.

_Une force humaine._

A humane force. That’s what Rook was told when he joined la Gendarmeire. They were there to maintain order and protect people. That’s what his trainer said

But that was a farce, really, because sure, in the country towns and highways of France, you could take time and enjoy being human. He remembered talking to civilians about their day like it was the most mundane thing in the world. You could turn a blind eye to the government, terror attacks, and crime. Especially when you weren’t even close enough to see the smoke in the sky as hundreds of people ran from the death cloud that followed them. Or when a couple people with guns ran around in cities, bathing in the sound of screams. Funny how you could pretend it was an ocean away when really, it was just a city over.

Rook doesn’t remember the last time he could talk to a civilian while in uniform. In more recent years, it’s been a lot of prayers and shouting.

And here he was again. He was suiting up for another mission – trying to stop another plot by some group of unnamed terrorists who claimed to have ties to the White Masks. Mark was beside him, doing a final check on his signal disruptors while the last three of their team were still discussing details of the approach.

_S’engager pour la vie._

It started during a training session. He was participating in shooting drills when his superiors pulled him aside to wait while his peer left the range. Then they had him demonstrate to some strangers, some officials probably, but he definitely didn’t expect it when they offered him a position as part of the GIGN.  That’s when his job shifted. He wasn’t talking with the general population anymore. He wasn’t allowed to. And that’s when it got more brutal too.

To save lives without regard to one’s own, and to enlist for life. Those were the two mottos he was taught to follow. And even in the most extreme of missions, there was un unspoken need to respect human life, sealed with the gift of a revolver, ironically.

Technically, he was doing that now, as his team silently infiltrated the prestigious university. It was only natural that after the Bartlett incident that others would try to replicate the incident with another high-profile school. He and Mute were tasked to find the bomb and defuse it while the others cleared and rescued hostages. They would save lives, and no one would know.

No one would know. Press would only take pictures of the military and the police, but Rainbow was always different. _Blacker than black._ With that, Rook felt like he lost touch with what started his career. But this was a level of action that always existed, even when he wasn’t involved, so really, it shouldn’t bother him as much as it did sometimes. He was raised and trained to respect all life, and here he was taking them left and right. Literally.

Because while the information about the bomb was true, they were promised only a few guards around the main objective. This was a small organization trying to prove themselves, not this organized assault team that he was trying to fend off while Mute was doing his best to defuse the bomb.

“Three… two… one… done.” His friend got into a crouched position and started helping him fight the enemies. “You know, when I thought about coming back here, it’d be to give a guest lecture or to work on one of my prof’s projects. Not to stop this school from blowing up.”

“C’est la vie,” Rook responded with a wry smile.

“Anyone else have contact, or is it just us?” Mute snarled into their comms, sitting down right as a couple bullets hit the spot where his head was moments earlier. Rook looked over to check him, and saw him nod. Rook turned his attention back to the enemies instead, hitting the one who nearly got his friend.

“Tangos on first floor too. Bravo one will head up to flank once we’re done,” Doc muttered back. He was with Vigil and Ela, and from his strained voice, it was quite the fight as well.

Rook gasped as he sat down, panting from exhaustion. This has gone on for too long, and he was getting weaker. “Stay back, I have grenades,” he whispered to Mute, seconds before he popped his head up and tossed them towards the general area where they were coming from. Screams echoed in their room, signalling his success. Mute popped his head up one last time to pick off the remaining terrorist, and their room was clear. “Bomb defused. We’ll start to clear our floor.”

“Careful, we’re facing heavy resistance on the north side,” Ash warned them.

“Come flank us if you can, ja?” Bandit muttered as well. The team of five could be heard from their own room now that their fight ended.

“Understood.” Rook checked his corners before slowly leading Mute out into the hall.

Suddenly, Mark’s hand was on his shoulder. “I hear something in that room.”

He nodded his head back towards a room they had already passed. The door was closed, but sure enough, some muffled talking could be heard.

“That’s a seminar room, there might’ve been a class in there,” Mute explained. Of course he would know, this was a school he graduated from after all.

Rook nodded, and covered him as he pulled out a drone. “Alpha two, we’ve run into a problem here, so we’ll be delayed.”

“Understood Alpha one. We already cleared out our area, continuing to sweep. Let us know if you need back-up.”

Mute’s arm reached up and gripped Rook’s arm so tightly that Julien almost yelped. “Mate, some bad news. We have a hostage situation it seems.”

“How many?”

“I see at least a dozen sitting against the wall, and… Oh shit it looks like they’re interrogating someone… Rook, it’s (y/n).”

“What?” No. Nonono. They should’ve been at home, in Hereford. They were so close to the end of their program, they said they shouldn’t have to go back to campus and only a month had passed-

“Rook! We need a plan!” His friend snarled. “Focus up. Five tangos, but one of them has a block of C4. The room’s not reinforced, but it’s not the biggest room so we can’t exactly breach and clear.”

“Alpha two, we’re gonna need some support. A new situation has developed.”

.

River watched as they brandished a knife. It was short, looked sharp… what where they planning to do?

“Let’s make this simple. You answer our questions, and you won’t get hurt.”

“Ah, fuck off,” River hissed, trying to suck on their lip that had gotten cut when they received a hard punch to their jaw earlier.

One of the others grabbed one of the students and made her sit in front of River. This was… Evie… Right. Second year student with a talent for biochemistry. “(y/n)… I’m scared.”

“Shhhh, I’m not going to let anything happen to you, alright? Keep quiet, and- FUCK! GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER!” River thrashed against their restraints as one of the terrorists held a knife against her throat.

“Question first. Be a hero later.” The one who was speaking kept his knife along Evie’s throat. “What’s the ATF project?”

River’s lips started to form the beginnings of a swear, but then they remembered. This wasn’t their life on the line. Why, of all days, did they have to agree to a guest presentation today? “Automatic Transmission foundation.”

The terrorist practically tossed Evie back to her spot on the wall and crept up towards River. “And what is that?”

Now that the knife was pointed towards them, River didn’t mind spitting in his face. “Something to fuck your mom with, ya asshole.”

They were answered pretty quickly. The knife cut into their shirt, quickly exposing their chest. Admiring what little work they had done so far, the terrorist stared down at them, making River want to shrivel away from the perverted gaze. Then, the terrorist wrapped one hand gently around their neck and held them still while letting his knife dig into the tight skin under their collarbones. At some point, their eyes shut, trying to block out the sight of the knife drawing blood.

“There,” they backed off, letting a cold draft hit River right in the chest. “That wasn’t so bad was it?”

“F…fuck off.”

.

Bottom floor was clear, and top floors were still being worked on, but Doc, Ying, and Ash were all arguing about the best way to go about rescuing the hostages. Doc wanted to negotiate, and maybe get a peaceful handover with the promise of a lighter sentence, Ying wanted to flash and silently take out the targets before trying to escort the hostages to safety, and Ash wanted a higher risk, yet faster approach, double breach the sides where no one was sitting and clear out the room.

Rook personally preferred Ying’s plan, but wouldn’t speak up against his fellow GIGN member, and didn’t want to incur Ash’s wrath. So he was sat there, looking at the blueprint in the temporary set up they made back in the bomb room. Mute had been glancing back and forth between the conversation, and his friend.

Eventually, and thank his brevity really Rook thought to himself, Mute spoke up. “Look, the more we argue, the riskier it gets. They’re starting to actually hurt the hostages. The moment they realize they’re outnumbered, and most of their force here is dead, they’ll just kill them all and make a run for it.”

“Fine, I’d prefer Ying’s method. With people in there, a double breach and clear would risk a stray bullet hitting the civilians. Last thing we need is the public breathing down our necks for killing a hostage.” Doc stepped away from the table and readjusted his equipment, ready to work as a medic rather than a soldier.

Ash furrowed her eyebrows, and for a moment, Rook thought she would argue again. Thankfully, she closed her mouth and nodded. “Our teams can’t go in together. There isn’t enough room.”

Ying, now the impromptu leader of this side mission, nodded and pointed some people out. “I’d like Doc, Pulse, Sledge, and… Rook.”

“I could go inste-”

“Mute, you need to be ready for other situations. You know this place best,” Ying countered. “Join Ash to clear out the rest of the building.”

Rook looked at Mute, but orders were orders. Rook was known for having a good shot. It’s why he was ever invited to the GIGN at all. In a close combat situation with civilian lives at stake, a good aim could be the difference from success and failure.

“I’ll be fine,” Rook whispered as Mute left with his team.

Ying motioned for her group to approach the wall that was next to the one where the hostages were lined up. The plan was for Sledge to break a hole, and then for her to release her candelas into the room before a single-file assault.

It went smoothly until it didn’t. Sledge had no problem opening up a hole, and Ying released two of her gadgets into the room. The lights stunned the terrorists, and they filed in, each one of the operators shooting one of the terrorists. However, something must have happened in the moment before the flashbangs went off because as Rook entered the room, there were less terrorists than expected. Still, he had to take this seriously. He knew where he was aiming. Breathe, aim, Fire, pause. There was no reaction, and just as he was about to do it again at the same spot, he realized who he was actually aiming at.

“Ah!” a voice hissed, and Rook looked away from his sights to stare at his result.

(y/n) was holding onto their leg, where a bullet had passed clean through. He took a step forward just to get stopped as (y/n), even with their eyes almost fully closed, blood running down their face, and shirt open wide to expose the horrendous lettering on their chest, raised a pistol at him.

“River!” a couple of the students screamed, one of them trying to get closer to them.

“FREEZE! Hands up on your head, and drop any weapons, NOW!” Ying screamed, getting most of the civilian’s attention. They had scrambled and fought against their captors when Sledge first distracted the terrorists, which must have been a nightmare to shoot through. Rook was now starting to piece together what had happened as Sledge broke the wall.

Rook still stood there frozen, looking at his ex who clearly couldn’t recognize him in his armour, or even notice that the terrorists were dead.

“River…” He managed to croak out. “C’est moi…”

“Fuck,” they muttered and dropped their gun. “Guys.” They tried to sit up but collapsed on their back again when their arms gave up. Even with their weak speech, all the students were listening closely to them. “We’re fine now. Do as they say so you can get out faster, yeah?”

Although they continued to hesitate, they slowly, one by one, followed and put down their textbooks and chairs and did as Ying said. Meanwhile, (y/n) had closed their eyes and seemed to fall unconscious. Only then did the operators drop their weapons, letting Doc rush forward to help (y/n).

“Doc I messed up,” Rook hissed, finding a space beside his senior to try and put pressure on the wound he caused. “I shot them when I was-”

“I’m busy, now’s not the time to apologize when they can’t even hear- Rook!” he swatted the younger man’s hands away and pointed at their team leader. “Go help Ying with the escort. The others will be back soon to back me up.”

“But-”

“Rook!” Ying shouted, waving him over.

The escort didn’t take too long, though many of the students were glaring at him with such vehement hatred, that he almost couldn’t even lead them to the safe exit.

“We need a medical evac for a civilian. I can’t stop the bleeding, and we’re running out of time.”

Rook’s heart dropped after hearing Doc’s voice. Immediately, Ying was at his side, trying to comfort him. “Rook, we’ll talk after, but focus. The job’s not done. What’s done is done.”

Teams Charlie and Delta reported soon after Ash’s new team rejoined them on the second floor. The school was cleared. It was over.

Rook couldn’t sleep on the ride back like most of his teammates. Doc had left with the emergency medical team, and now he was sitting with the rest of GIGN who had all passed out on each other. Any other day, Rook would be giggling with Mute at how Montagne managed to dwarf both Twitch and Lion, who lay in his arms, and poking fun at how small Smoke was compared to Sledge. The two friends would then talk about whether or not Thatcher should just dye his hair all grey instead of waiting for the inevitable, and compare how well their separate teams did.

Mark was just staring at him, which Julien didn’t know how to interpret.

“I shot a civilian, and not just any, my ex!” Rook let out, breaking the silence of the vehicle. Despite Mute’s exhausted features, the British man didn’t seem to have any intention on sleeping.

“It was a mistake. It was crowded, the drone showed how the students were fighting the terrorists as Sledge breached. You just got unlucky, you won’t get in trouble for that.”

“I’m not worried about Six, I’m… They’re never going to forgive me…”

The scrunched-up features on Mute showed Rook just what his friend thought of that. “Look. You said you were over them, yea? Then just go apologize for an error on the job and move on. I’m sure they’d understand.”

“And if they don’t?”

“Then if you can’t change their mind, it’s best to let it go. You did what had to be done. Plus, it’s not like you’ll ever see them again unless something extreme happens again.”

“And if I want to see them?”

Mute was about to repeat the same lines when he realized what Rook meant. “There’s no reason why you should want to see them. I’m confused.”

“Today. I was planning on meeting them today. I realize now that they wouldn’t even have been home, but…”

“Julien, you cried for a full week after it.”

“And I’ve stopped. I wanted to see if they’ll take me back.”

Mute shook his head, getting to tired to try and convince his friend to move on. “Look, if you can convince Emma, then fine. It’s probably a good idea.”

.

Twitch was more than supportive of Rook’s decision. She rubbed it in Mute’s face proudly proclaiming how she knew it was a good relationship, and it really was Rook’s fault. At least mostly, because she was sure that if he had just opened up and said that he wanted more attention and more time from River, that they’d agree.

Mark still thought it was dumb.

Emma “accidentally” destroyed his signal disrupters with her drone the next day, as she thought they were one of her practice targets.

Rook was just as nervous now as he was on his first date.

And Glaz was left out of the loop, but it was better off that way sometimes.

.

According to Doc, River had been asleep for a full day, and would wake soon, though the effects of the drugs they had to take would probably still be wearing off.

With the doctor’s blessing, Rook took a seat by their bed with a pile of books and notebooks that he had borrowed and yet never returned. He took them initially to try and learn more about (y/n)’s work, but the technical terms and procedures just looked like a messy word search puzzle to him. The books and notes quickly became a memento he would take on missions sometimes to remind him of (y/n), and imagine them as a young student, struggling to keep their marks up.

If they met at twenty, they probably would’ve gotten along better than now.

Just like a sixth sense that never left him, he noticed the smallest shift in (y/n)’d hands. They clenched into tight fists as they seemed to flinch from an unseen assault. Rook quickly put down the book he was admiring and leaned over them, carefully wrapping his hands around their wrists to try and stop them from thrashing.

“Shit,” they muttered, suddenly jerking upright and digging their nails into Rook’s shoulder. “Don’t touch them!”

“(y/n)… River, you’re safe, they’re safe, everything’s fine. We’re in a hospital, don’t move too much, or else you’ll tire yourself out.”

“What are you doing here?” They managed to let go and lean back onto their bed, staring him in the eyes. Not with anger though, which made him wonder if they remembered what happened.

“I’m… Do you remember what happened?”

They furrowed their eyebrows, trying to clear their memory. “Uh. Terrorist attack. They threatened the class I was supervising for the day. Then… You guys. Your organization fighter people came in. I remember passing out with a really good-looking guy looking after me.”

“Doc?”

“I mean it wasn’t you.”

Julien scowled, though he was really more amused than anything else. “You realize he’s almost fifty, right?”

“Damn. But what are you doing here?”

“I… I wanted to apologize… For shooting you.”

Their eyes snapped to him. “That was you?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to! It was in the moment, and I though you were-”

“That must’ve been one hell of a shot. I didn’t even realize it wasn’t from the bastards in front of me. Although, considering you once told me you were the best shot in your team, I’m surprised I’m not dead right now.”

“Aren’t you mad?” Rook awkwardly reached out for their hand before pulling away. That comforting touch he sought wasn’t his to ask for anymore.

They chose to hold onto him though, and it surprised him that the small contact was already making it hard for him not to cry and bawl into them. “A little. I feel like that was the worst injury I’ve ever received, and knowing now there was no reason for it… Well, yeah.”

“Désolé! I didn’t mean to and-”

“To be honest I’m happy if I was the only innocent casualty in that room. Imagine of one of the younger ones got hit. That’s a life changer right there.”

Rook remembered when he called them immature. Selfish. What else? But really, they weren’t those things all the time. There was a base emotion that compelled them to take care of those students, wasn’t there? And all the times they stayed up late on the phone with him when he had nightmares away from their home. The more he thought the worse everything felt because he knew there was no way-

“You know, I can see that you have something to say. Just… Say it. Don’t hold back,” they interrupted his thoughts.

He was absent-mindedly cupping their face, and even though their hands were on his wrists, it wasn’t like they could stop him. “Quoi? There’s nothing to say. Just that I’m sorry for my mistakes.”

He backed off. Perhaps somethings were best left unspoken.

But that wasn’t their style.

“You know, I must be the only person in the wold who can call you a coward.”

Julien paused in his step backwards. “I’m a what?”

“Oh, come on, you heard me.” (y/n) frowned. “Why do you never talk to me like how you want to? I’m kinda frail I guess, but you don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. Say what you mean, and say what you want.”

“And if what I say drives you away more?”

“I mean it shouldn’t matter to you, first. And secondly, that just means we shouldn’t be dating. That’s why you date and don’t marry right away.”

Rook had to look away from their glare. “But I _like_ you, and I wanted you to like me back.”

“I fucking loved you, Julien,” they scoffed. “I trusted you enough for me to stay and tell you everything in my life that I buried so far down _I_ didn’t even remember.”

“But… what if…”

“What if?”

He couldn’t help the pout that his lips formed. “I don’t want you mad at me.”

“Then let down your own guard,” they sat up in their bed. “Let your armour down, guard down, whatever you want to call it, just tell me what bothers you. If I can’t fix it then I can’t, but I have to try, don’t I? Rather I would have tried.”

“Please don’t get mad at me, (y/n),” Rook asked, finally looking up into their eyes, finally noticing how sad they were. They weren’t angry despite their words and tone…

“I… I’m not. I swear.”

“Then can I have a second chance?”

“Who are you, Oliver Twist?” (y/n) asked. “And I still use River you know.”

“I wanted to be special and be the only person you liked who called you by that and not River. It’s petty, but it made me feel unique to you.”

“Here we go, tell me what you want from me.” (y/n) beckoned him closer again, and Rook sat next to their bed.

“I just- Sometimes I wish you’d choose to come back to me as your first choice. I don’t want to be the option that’s always forgotten until you’ve exhausted all other choices. I wanted to feel like you wanted me as more than just some base you could come back to, just to leave again before I was ready. I know with my job and all I’m supposed to be that kind of person, but I was getting tired and I didn’t feel like you wanted me.”

Rook didn’t notice how fast he was talking until he was standing, staring sadly at a missed opportunity. Talking about himself wasn’t as hard as he thought it was, but he didn’t realize that until it was too late, he supposed.

“So how was I supposed to know all this?”

He stared back sadly. “You wouldn’t, but some part of me assumed that if you truly loved me, you’d take the time to notice.”

“Then that’s my bad, and I’m sorry.”

“I am too. For not doing this earlier.”

Rook’s voice cracked. Kind of like River’s resolve. “Julien…” They clenched and unclenched their fist before grabbing his hands and pulling him closer. They cupped his face in their hands and stared into his eyes for some sort of answer. “When I say I love you, you’re already worth more to me than all the stars in the sky, all the books I could ever read, and all the joys in my life that I never deserved. I can’t promise to do things like this or say these things on a regular basis, but if you want me to, I’m going to goddam try my hardest, yea?”

When they kissed him, it wasn’t on his lips. It was on his forehead, his cheeks, his eyelids. They weren’t ignoring what was said. This was the promise to try again. “Yes please,” he sighed, leaning into their touch.


	5. Chapter 5

Today was the kind of day where Rook would sleep in for forever. No training, no missions, nothing. At least that was his plan until he woke up at three in the morning after (y/n) had jerked upright, gasping for air like they had just been holding their breath.

Blearily, he rolled over to reach out for his partner. “Bad dreams?” His voice was raspy and weak, which made (y/n) smirk a little.

“Don’t worry about it, Julien,” they said a little to quickly, swatting away his hand. “Go back to sleep, I’m sorry for waking you.”

“Is it then one where-”

“ _I don’t want to talk about it_ ,” they hissed.

“Maybe we should book a sooner appointment with-”

“Not possible.” They flopped back to the mattress.

“Mon amour, I don’t think you-”

“Don’t think I what? Don’t think I can handle it? Well fuck you. I survived, didn’t I? I survived for a long ass time, so that has to count for _something_.”

This time, Rook didn’t even try to use his words. He pulled them into his embrace and felt them squirm at his touch. “You’re a stronger person than _you_ even give yourself credit for.” His words were muffled by their skin, but he was sure they heard him anyways.

“Then… Oh god, then why do I have so many nightmares?” Rook watched as their hand moved to just under their collarbone, tracing over words that had mostly faded, though some particular cuts had scarred instead.

He quickly rolled on top of them and looked them in their eyes. “Those words meant nothing. They were spoken by monsters who don’t have morals.” He placed closed mouth kisses over the scarred words, eliciting a few giggles from the ticklish feeling.

“I wish I could believe you more than I actually do,” they muttered, pushing him to his back. He kept his hand entwined with theirs.

Doc had warned him that what happened that day would leave psychological effects on the students, and as such, (y/n) more than others from the interrogation they went through. And it showed. Loud, sudden noises close to them made them freeze until either Julien helped them, or their flashback ended. Restraints, even just someone’s hands restricting theirs would make them panic, only to be followed by a hollowed look and an apology. The most surprising was how often they dwelled on it. Just over a year later, and whenever they fell silent, zoned out, Julien always made the point to jostle them a little, just to try to get them to move on. That’s why they started going to a therapist, though it was unfortunate that the change happened so slowly.

“I wish I could make you believe me when I say that you’re safe. Nothing like that will ever happen again.”

They gave him a sad smile. “You should really go back to sleep. I heard Mark say he was coming by to pick you up for something, you know?”

“This is more important.” Plus, while they were fidgeting around. It wasn’t like Rook could sleep, even if he tried.

.

He woke up again at seven, hearing the sounds of breakfast being made in the kitchen. While he was alone in the room, he searched through the duffel bag (y/n) was forbidden to look through and held up the box that had been bothering him all this time. Rook wanted the proposal to be extravagant, fancy restaurants, exciting adventures, something to light the fire in his lover’s eyes. However, nearly a year later and they had changed. Not enough to make them seem different to outsiders, but Rook noticed.

They texted him every time they were about to go out on their own, and they would send many more along the way before letting him know they arrived safely. Instead of rushing to meet new people so quickly, they hesitated every time they were about to leave his side, hand lingering on his body, waiting for his response to let them know that he would be watching. Heck, even their name had changed. No one called them River. When people did, they flinched. Don’t get him wrong, they were still wild liked to live in the present, but now they took the saying, ‘look before you leap,’ to heart. They were more careful and private, preferring to keep to themselves. Something as sudden as a public proposal wouldn’t go as well as it might’ve a year ago.

“Let’s go out for a walk today,” he announced, stepping out of their bedroom to give (y/n) a hug from behind.

“I’m not really-”

“(y/n),” he whined, placing his chin on their shoulder. “I want to go out with you before Mark drags me to whatever he has planned. Indulge me, s’il te plait?”

French, as it turned out, was a weakness for them.

“Fine,” they whispered, turning off the stovetop. “Let’s eat first though or-”

“Pack it with us. We can have a picnic!”

“Julien.” They managed to separate themselves and crossed their arms across their chest. “If this is the kind of “walk” I think you’re talking about, the food will get cold long before you stop, and I can’t carry that weight for very long.”

“We can keep it shorter,” he bargained with them, trying to figure out a plan on the fly. “And I’ll carry the weight, it’ll be no problem.”

“You’re too excited,” they commented. “What are you planning?”

He pouted, using his training to keep his face from showing any signs of guilt. Unconventional use, but you work with what you have. “I just wanted to spend time with you. You’re always so busy with your work now. I just want you to spend time with me, no books, papers, or electronics allowed.”

They sighed, cupping his face in their hands. Rook knew he won in that moment. “Fine. Let me go get ready.”

It was that strange time in the year where it was too cold to go outside without a sweater, but with enough movement and time, it’d get too warm to keep a jacket on. And so, Rook gladly carried the backpack of food, jacket, and (y/n)’s heavier jacket while (y/n) was a couple metres ahead, chasing an animal that had the misfortune of being seen be them.

“Julien,” they called him over to the three they were standing in front of. “You can climb, right?”

“I’m not chasing after animals in the trees, (y/n),” he chuckled, watching as they stared up at the branches some more before frowning and continuing down the trail.

“How much farther do you want to go?” (y/n) asked. They were getting close to a clearing they had been to more than once before.

“You know where it is,” he answered with a smile. Despite how unwilling they were to even leave their home, it was nice to see them relax now.

They shot him a sly look, “I’ll race you.”

“I’m carrying-”

“You’re the one who has to workout for living basically,” they smirked.

“Fine…” He readjusted his hold on the items and counted down.

(y/n) made a valid attempt, but on uneven terrain and all the hours spent sitting at a desk, Julien managed to keep up with them easily, pulling ahead at the end to claim the win. So they were now sitting on the ground, trying to catch their breath while Julien laughed and kneeled in front of them.

“Tsk. I though you’d be faster.” He smiled and patted their head, only to get his hand swatted away.

“I held my own, alright? Be proud,” they muttered, though the grin on their face showed him they were far from mad. “Pass me the bag, we should set up. I’m hungry.”

This was what Rook was waiting for, really. He knew the box that sat in the awkward side pocket of the bag. First item out of the bag was the blanket for them to sit on. Then some water and juice, then the food, then the cutlery. As (y/n) started unwrapping some of the containers, they paused to watch as Julien dug around some more.

“What did I forget?” they asked.

“Ah, nothing, just…” _There._ His fingers brushed the top and he gave them one last look before pulling it out.

“What’s?” Their eyes widened as they realized what it was. “I can’t tell if you’re about to prank me or propose, Julien.”

“Then will this answer your question?” Julien rearranged himself onto one knee and opened up the box to (y/n). “Two years and a month ago, I met a person who really… changed me. Showed me how to both loosen up and let down my guard. You’ve been through a lot, some of it my fault, but really there’s no doubt in my mind that I trust you, and I want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me?”

Their hands were immediately on his shoulders, pulling him in for a quick kiss. “Yes. Yeah. Holy shit I know you’ve brought it up before but…” They gave his cheeks a quick pinch.

“I’m glad. I… Some part of me thought you would’ve rejected me here.”

“Geez, maybe if I were still the same as before I met you, but… Ah, I’m so happy right now,” they pressed themselves against him for a hug that muffled their voice.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”


End file.
